I slept like a freak last night. Sideways on the bed in my clothes without a blanket. I kept my eye on the mirror looking for something weird to happen. A dark, otherworldly nightmare spirit come to snatch my earthly soul or give me bad luck maybe. Dreamt I worked in a movie theatre and my main task was to make sure everything in the nacho station was filled to the top. I could pop into movies and watch them, though I don’t remember much about that even though I wish I could. Mostly I remember the colors and the designs of the theatre. Sitting with a bunch of people, eating popcorn. I can’t remember if I wrote about it before but my BO has changed since I switched medication. It has a citrus bite to it now and is more prevalent since switching to a natural deodorant. For a while there I was buying girls deodorant, I liked the smell and it worked better. Once, my annoying coworker Ron took notice and said I smelled REALLY good. He got a tattoo of a partial skull on his hand so he could raise it to his face and become half skull man.
I’ve had a busy, full, and excited week. Something’s shifted in me and I’ve become a very social person. This week I’ve been hanging out with different people every night. I’ve been out, drinking too much, having conversations with strangers. It’s been okay, but I yearn for the routine. To lift weights and sweat and draw and paint. I could do everything I guess, if I was a different person. Today’s my last rest day, catching up on all the sleep and compensating for the excitement. That’s what I tell myself. I’m sitting in bed, reading, smelling my arm pits, waiting for an email. A memory struck me earlier. It was my first day transferring over into a new middle school. I had been going to Mount Elden Middle School and hating it. It was a typical school, but I always felt weird unless I had a friend in the class. I somehow convinced a few of them to transfer with me. I’ve always had a knack for or been annoying enough to get people to do stuff, to partake in even my poorest decisions. We transferred to the Renaissance Magnet Middle School, which was a subsidiary of MEMS, just a couple trailers on the side of the school. It doesn’t exist anymore, which is too bad. I wonder where the weird kids go now. The first day we kept it a secret that my friends and I knew each other. We sat separately, but met at lunch. A tall, lanky kid in a baggy windbreaker said if I needed help adjusting or being introduced to anybody he would help me, which was kind, even if he smelled weird. My friends and I would see our old classmates in passing. They would call us losers and retards. We tried to get some of them to transfer with us, telling them how much better it was but they wouldn’t have any of it, like it was bad. Like they wouldn’t even dream of doing that. Even though it was better and the students there were more open minded and creative I couldn’t help but turn on them sometimes. I remember bullying little Nephi to tears. He called subtraction “take-aways” and cut his hair into a mohawk like me. I called him a poser. Whenever we had to line up anywhere I would say someone forgot to wear deodorant. There was nothing really wrong with anybody. I wish now I could have appreciated them more, been less of a jerk, but it was weird to navigate life back then. I remember feeling so much hostility in me all the time. Mostly I just bully everybody in my head now and the thoughts make me laugh and put me in a good mood. I like when I come up with something so good I have to let it out and shock everybody in ear shot. It can be razor sharp sometimes and fuck everybody up. I don’t give myself enough credit. One of the people I spoke to this week looked me in the eyes and said, “This is the best conversation I’ve had in a long time.” I didn’t believe it, because I thought it was just okay at best. Another person said, “I didn’t know you were fun until this week,” which I really liked. I like being incognito. What I do is Secret™. Keep it confidential girl.
